I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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