At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
