i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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