I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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