Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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