I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Your cock deserves a montage
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
