You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
