The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
false alarm, still single
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
