I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
