Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
