I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
