I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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