you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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