someone threw a dead crab at me
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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