Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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