im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
