i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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