where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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