I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
