Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
