How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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