I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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