fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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