does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
