I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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