apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
