woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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