and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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