Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
