You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
