just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
