maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
