Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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