All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
