I'm so fucking centered right now
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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