you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My pussy is not your playground.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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