Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
