eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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