I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
