You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
