Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
