Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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