I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
