A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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