I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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