when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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