just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
