just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
