I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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