3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
