Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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