Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
