Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
