yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
