bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
